Necessary conversations
by Wazilda
Summary: Whiting decides its time for Deeks to pay the piper. Deeks & Kensi centric multi-chapter story. A series of conversations happening from S8/22 Golden Days onwards to the end of the arc that started in 'Internal Affairs'.
1. Chapter 1 - Asking with Menaces

**AN: I'm new to writing full stop so please be gentle. Last fiction I wrote I was knee high to a grasshopper and that is a long time ago** **. I'm not claiming to be any good just wanted to see if I could be a little train that could.**

 **Needless to say I don't own anything just playing**

 **This is planned to be multi-chapters and to focus on a series of conversations happening from S8/22 Golden Days onwards to the end of the arc that started in 'Internal Affairs'.**

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 **Chapter 1 - Asking with Menaces**

 _ **Somewhere that's nowhere, Santa Monica, LA, Sunday 3rd September 2017**_

"Coffee?" Whiting asks as Deeks plonks himself down at the opposite end of the bench.

He leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees. Taking his eyes off the ocean, he looks down at the space between his feet and exhales slowly, before quickly turning his head to the side and looking straight at her. "Let's cut the small talk Whiting. You asked to meet. What do you want?"

Whitings' gaze travels casually around, flitting between the early morning surfers, dog walkers and their charges and various joggers before starting the cycle again. "All business, I like that. I said I'd be in touch when I was ready to go after a big fish, well I'm ready"

Deeks turns his gaze back to the space between his feet "Who's the unlucky fish? Anyone I know?"

"Bates among others"

"Good luck with that" he says as he raises his head bringing his gaze to the blue expanse of the Pacific Ocean.

God he wishes he were out there on his board or rather anywhere other than here, having this conversation with her but that would have required him to make a different choice one night a decade ago. And just like that earlier time, though and that decision has brought him pain and regrettably impacted on his life with Kensi, he still thinks living with the alternative of standing by and doing nothing would have been worse. It still doesn't stop him feeling the guilt for the taking of a life (no matter what a poor excuse for a life it was) just like he still feels the guilt of that earlier occasion when he could have done if his aim had been true but wasn't. But he reminds himself for the umpteenth time that's what makes him not his father – remorse.

"I don't need luck when I have my secret weapon"

"Dare I ask?"

Whiting turns towards Deeks and hardens her gaze "Cut the crap Deeks, you know what's expected"

Deeks pushes himself quickly off the bench, coming to a dead stop a few feet away where the boardwalk meets the sand.

He'd insisted on this nondescript, unremarkable place when Whiting had suggested Santa Monica pier in her text, he didn't want any of their places to be tainted by this conversation.

He brings his thoughts back to the matter in hand. He knows he can't blow her off completely, he needs to keep calm and focused. She still holds the trump card of his confession even though she would have a hard time explaining why she hadn't acted on the information sooner. For him the passage of time is irrelevant, the revelation whenever it is made will definitely be career changing and probably life changing.

Whiting slowly stands, her gaze fixed on Deeks' back. "I understand your loyalty to Bates, Deeks - he got you away from that toxic situation with Boyle - but at the end of the day you need to decide where your true loyalty lies"

"What do you mean?" He asks without turning around, his eyes still fixed on the ocean, arms folded across his chest. He fears he knows where she's going with this but hopes against hope that he's wrong.

"We all have to decide what's most important in our lives, we can't always save everyone... you're an honest man Deeks, I believe you did a bad thing for a good reason but you still did a bad thing and the truth has a tendency to come out in the end"

Deeks nostrils flare as he releases a noisy breath, his lips set firm.

Whiting steps forward into His shadow before continuing "You kept your side of the deal, you told me the truth about Boyle. I think you told me not only because we had a deal but also because keeping the secret was eating you alive. I don't think after telling me you'd keep the secret from her..."

Deeks remains still, not daring to speak. Here it comes he thinks. He feels his body tense as if readying to take a punch.

"Pop quiz Deeks, if I were to reopen the Boyle investigation, what would be my first actions?"

"You tell me Whiting, you're the IA whizz here". He's gonna make her do all the work, no way he's playing the card for her.

"So unlike you to be coy Deeks. Well after interviewing Ms Williams to see if she can shed any light on what happened and why she's been receiving financial aid from you then I'd interview the past and present partners of the suspect to see what they know. I can't interview Boyle as he's dead, I can't interview Trainor as she's dead - so who am I left with?" she pauses for a long beat "Do you really want to put her in that situation?"

Deeks knows he's lost now Whiting has finally played her real trump card. Any room for manoeuvre is gone, he can't let Kensi pay for his choices, his crime. Just like he can't let Tiffanys new life get ruined after she's worked so hard to get back on track. He doesn't want to add those to things to the already too long list of things he cant ever forgive himself for.

Whiting continues talking seemingly unaware of her victory. "I think you want...no need to do the right thing...not only to protect Kensi but to find out the truth and put away a dirty cop…"

Deeks spins on his heels and turns to face Whiting, his voice low and gravelly cuts across hers not interested in hearing any more of her arguments "There is no way that Bates will believe I'm dirty. There's too much history with Quinn and Fisk and if that weren't enough he would never believe that I could pull the wool over Hettys eyes for 7 minutes never mind 7 years.

Whiting' mouth remains open, caught mid flow, stunned that she's won and the debate has moved to practicalities so quickly.

"Agreed" she states quickly. Recovering her composure, she pulls out a sheaf of papers from her shoulder bag and pushes them into Deeks' hands. " I think the way in is through this man" she says pointing to the tall, dark, handsome but haughty looking man in the top most photo.

Deeks stares transfixed at the photo in his hands, though he's not looking at the man under Whitings index finger but rather the beautiful woman hanging from his arm. He knows now he's going to take this on no matter what. He can't let her get hurt in the crossfire and he not be there to protect her.

Whiting seems oblivious to Deeks distraction. "Let's get a coffee and talk" and heads off towards a small cafe. He takes a deep breath in and out in an attempt to release the tension in his body before pushing his hair out of his eyes and setting off in Whitings wake.

HHHHHHHHHHHHHH

10 minutes later finds them silently sat at the same outside table, each with a takeout coffee. Whiting slowly sips her flat white whilst Deeks' remains untouched on the table in front of him. His usually fidgety hands thrust deep in his jeans pockets.

"If I'm going to do this, I need some assurances that you are not going to keep coming back for more...that this is a one time deal."

"It doesn't work like..."

"This time it does" Deeks cuts in harshly "You can't do this without me, if you could you'd have tried it before now. It's been 3 months since you regained consciousness and 2 months since you returned to work. You can't pretend that you haven't sat on a murder confession without acting all that time and a statement from me detailing how you blackmailed me into working on an off the books op won't help your cause. So we both have things to lose"

Whiting doesn't respond, carrying on sipping her coffee.

"We do this one investigation, if the evidence proves you are right then Bates and co are off the street, if you are wrong, you accept it and move on. Either way my case is closed permanently. Do we have a deal?"

"What's to stop me agreeing then changing my mind later?" Whiting asks seemingly genuinely curious.

"Nothing...but just know that if you do for starters I'll sue your ass. I'm a lawyer so won't cost me a thing, might even be fun - stop me getting rusty. You might want to think about how that will play with the brass, a decorated police officer, tortured and shot in the line of duty, who successfully captured a bent IA officer as well as a few dirty cops suing another IA officer whose life he saved for defamation and harassment"

"I guess we just have to trust each other then won't we?"


	2. Chapter 2 - Being not Doing with Love

**AN: Thanks to everyone who has read, reviewed, commented.**

 **I haven't seen any of season ( its not on yet in the UK) and I'm not reading about it either but I do know that Hetty has 'retired' yet again.**

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 **Chapter 2 – Being (not doing) with Love**

 **Somewhere that's home, LA**

 **Sunday 3rd September 2017**

Kensi leans against the open patio doorframe, resting her head as she folds her arms across her chest and observes her boyfriend - no fiancée. Naming the latest change in their relationship status is not quite as difficult as she'd found the earlier ones from partner to best friend to boyfriend but it still takes some getting used to no matter how welcome (or overdue the Deeks voice in her head adds wryly) the change.

He's stretched out in the hammock slung between the two trees in their small back yard; his ankles casually crossed, feet bare, one arm tucked behind his head the other slung across his torso. An open bottle of beer stands off to his left on the grass. To anyone else he'd look like he hadn't a care in the world, just a man whiling away the hours on a sunny Sunday afternoon. Kensi knows better, she can see the tension held in his body, that the beer is untouched, that his eyes are not closed but hooded and staring off unseeing into the distance.

In truth she'd been keeping a careful but discreet watch on him for the last few weeks, ever since the celebratory dinner with "the moms" after he'd finally proposed - well had given her her ring any ways. They'd both been melancholy after Michelle's death, feeling deeply Sam and his family's loss but they had also been joyful at their own decision to seize the day and get married.

Deeks had been initially euphoric regaling anyone who'd listen with his tale of her turning him down three times before one upping him by proposing to him. She had of course countered with the fact that her proposal was actually the only one that mattered given a) the question actually got asked b) both parties were conscious and c) the one being asked had said yes and he'd simply responded by smiling his heart stopping and eye twinkly smile.

But as their summer break went on, she'd increasingly frequently come across him as he was now; like he was 'paused' and waiting for play to be pressed.

She reflects back on the conversation they'd had a few days after he'd killed Ferris and rescued her. She'd asked him how he'd really got Whiting to let him out. Something just hadn't tracked with her in the version he'd shared at the de-brief, but in the immediate aftermath of her ordeal and rescue she'd ignored it. Whilst she was certain that Whiting was human enough to be moved by a sob story, she was less convinced that she could be persuaded to take a risk like letting a suspect out of custody even under her personal supervision.

When he'd told her about the deal he'd made - 'help me find her and I'll tell you what you want to hear'. She'd already known deep in her heart the way the story ended and her mind had been silently screaming 'no, no, no' even as Deeks had described how he'd held his hands to Whitings neck wound, described the way his hands had been slick with her warm blood as he'd worked to stem the flow. He'd told her that when he felt her slipping, he'd fulfilled his promise, as it was the only thing he could do to keep her fighting to stay conscious, fighting for her life... for her daughter.

Taking stock of her building emotions at the jeopardy he faced, she noted that whilst the irrational flare of anger deep in her core that he'd told Whiting his secret so easily when he'd waited so long to tell her was still there, it had lessened. She silently repeated her mantra to push it completely away 'He was protecting me and us, he thought she was going to die, he made a promise and he's an honourable man, I already knew, he did it to save me'.

She knew that much of his recent mood and behaviour stemmed from his confession to Whiting and his conflicted emotions about it. His later realisation that Whiting not only remembered the confession but also intended to use it against him (and by extension her) had triggered a severe bout of guilt and self-recrimination. Those things they had briefly talked about and parked for later prior to the horror of Michelle's death.

She'd been patient, waiting for him to talk, comfortable in the knowledge that their communication skills had been steadily improving through practice and bolstered by their commitment to have no more secrets. Their confidence and trust in each other had deepened as they realised that they didn't have to edit out the less than perfect parts of themselves and their histories to continue to be loved by the other. She knew they both still struggled with feeling that they deserved that unconditional love and support from the other - Deeks more so than her.

This morning he'd been up at his normal surfing hour but when he returned home with breakfast burritos and coffee and kissed her awake, he didn't smell quite enough of the ocean. She let his white lie slide when he'd said the waves were too quiet. He didn't need to know that she'd sleepily checked the wave report when she'd felt him leave the bed that morning, grateful for the good forecast and hoping that some quality time with the ocean would help break him out of his current funk.

Being not doing, Sam had told her months ago and it had been her modus operandi so far but now its time to push she decides.

She straightens herself up and moves quickly to the fridge, hooking her fingers round two new beers and makes her way outside.

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"Hey" she greets, stopping directly in front of him interrupting his view of whatever it was that he'd been studying and throwing him into shade at the same time.

"Hey you" his voice slightly husky with lack of use.

"Whatcha doin'?"

"Just hanging round" he smirks and automatically her lips follow in response and her heart jolts. "Join me?" He shifts carefully in the brightly coloured hammock and pats the space next to him.

Handing over the beers she climbs aboard, settling into his side with her head on his chest. She takes back one of the two beers from his hand and has a swig as he snakes his free arm around her shoulder to hold her close. She hhmmm's her appreciation of the quiet moment of affection between them.

"Thank you" Deeks murmurs, softly kissing her hair,

"For what?" Though she's pretty sure she knows. She isn't the naturally patient one of the two as had been proven many times over their years together.

"You know for what ... for giving me time to get my thoughts in order." Letting out a short, breathy laugh, he continues in a lighter tone "You're not as stealthy as you think you are Agent Blye, particularly not when you are on Deeks-watch."

"I'm getting better but you don't make it easy you know" she says in a half teasing tone

"That you are, Daniel-San, that you are...I know and I'm sorry".

"Are they in order now?" She briefly pauses, dropping a soft answering kiss to his t-shirted chest before pressing on "Enough to share?"

"I've been thinking a lot about Sam and Michelle..." His voice hitches "….and her death, her murder..."

Hearing his distress, her thumb starts to rub small circles on his side, a small gesture of comfort for them both.

"I know our jobs are dangerous, that we put ourselves at risk everyday and we work hard for each other and as a team to make sure we all come home safe at the end of every mission..."

Again his voice hitches and she places a small kiss of comfort to his chest 'I'm here, we're safe, were together' it says.

"…. It's not even the fact that Michelle wasn't an active agent when she was targeted - Khaled just wanted to make Sam pay - in a way I'm reconciled to the fact that when we stop doing what we do the risks lessen but they don't go away. I know that we've agreed we're not ready yet to start a family..."

"Has it changed your mind? Do you still want to eventually?" She mentally kicks herself for interrupting his flow but she can't stop herself, part of her own realisation in the aftermath of Michelle's death and Khaled's end was not only that she didn't want to wait any longer to be Kensi Deeks but that she does want a family with him and she might not want that to be as far away in the future as she'd thought she did when they'd last discussed it (on a stakeout where else?)

"No I still want little ninjas with you. I'm still nervous about whether I'll be a good dad, I'm not quite there yet but I haven't gone backwards" he gently squeezes her shoulder in re-assurance.

She lets out a long sigh of relief. It's not lost on Deeks that things seem to have shifted in Kensi's mind on this topic but he decides to stick a pin in it for another day. He doesn't want to get side tracked or put off sharing what's been troubling him with her. She deserves to know.

His gaze catches on her engagement ring glinting in the late afternoon sunlight as she holds her beer against his hip, taking another small gulp of beer he presses on. "Working to save Michelle, I realised something had changed between us... initially I thought it was because of the whole proposal/non engagement/engagement scenario" he can feel her eye roll at his words "but then it hit me it was the fact that you were my fiancée, my love, the other half of me first and work partner second and started me thinking about what that meant."

"Do you want us to stop being partners?" She whispers

"No babe... but I can see a time coming where my answer to that question might be yes"

"When we have kids..."

"Maybe when we have kids" he agrees. "What I realised is that it's not just about having a life with you but that I'm not prepared to damage us, our present, or our future family for the job, no matter how temporary the damage."

Kensi takes a minute to absorb what he's saying, her mind automatically going back to those times when the job - no mainly Hetty, had forced then to keep things from each other and the hurt that had been caused to them both. Searching her own feelings, she recognises the same shift in her own thinking. She no longer prioritises safeguarding their partnership or career at the expense of their relationship. Delving further she realises that the shift had started to happen around the time they'd not just stopped their don't ask/don't tell approach to their relationship in work but had actually become overt about it.

Unsure what her silence means, or perhaps just needing to clarify what he saying he continues "If I had to choose between having you at home or having you at work - it would be home every time."

"Me too Marty, me too". She welcomes the feel of the tension in his body lessening and snuggles in closer to his side.

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Seconds become minutes as they lie quietly enjoying simply being together in the afternoon sun before Kensi's soft voice pipes up again. "Is that all that you've got going on in that head of yours?"

"Mmmm ... no flies on you Wonder Woman" he responds. He's 50:50 on whether he's happy that she's pressed on. Deciding just to treat it like ripping off a band-aid, he takes a deep breath and says quickly "I didn't go surfing this morning, though I think you already know that. I met with Whiting"

"Why?"

"'Cause she asked." he playfully replies.

"Deeks" she huffs out, a clear warning in her tone.

"OK, OK, she wants my help" his tone now far more conciliatory.

"You mean she following through on her blackmail threat like the evil opportunistic witch that she is."

He snorts whilst giving her a quick squeeze of appreciation for her bad-ass support but when he speaks his tone is serious "Kens...I'm in this situation because I made a choice. I did something bad and bad things no matter why they were done, have consequences. Whiting is a good cop, yes she is taking advantage but that's no different than what we do with suspects and persons of interest in almost every case. I don't like it but sauce for the goose and all that".

There it is - his straight and true morality and unflappable honesty.

She feels privileged and slightly awed that he's not only told her his darkest secret after keeping it from her for years but he's also allowed her to see how he feels about it. He's shared with her his anger, frustration and despair that its coming back to haunt him just when his life seems to be going right, when he has her, them to look forward to after so long on his own – 'why is it happening to him? to them? why now?'

But she also knows that that the Deeks who might want a deal to make it all go away is only temporary and that the Deeks she is seeing now is the enduring one, the one that knows that he must pay for his sins, that requires himself to pay for his sins. Hell he'd even confessed that it was one of the reasons why he pulled away from her for so long - another debit on the balance sheet of whether he deserved her, deserved them.

Her heart aches for him. How unwilling he is to feel sorry for himself, to forgive himself. He did a brave thing in her eyes to save a young vulnerable, girl - someone that could have easily been her if things had worked out differently when she was on the streets - and she's told him that countless times. She hopes that if she says it enough times he might start to believe it but suspects that Deeks needs to atone in his own way and that this might be a continuation of that process just as supporting Tiffany in her new life was a piece of the jigsaw. 'Being not doing' she silently chants.

"What kind of help?"

"To out a dirty cop"

"Who? Anyone I know?"

"Can we park that for a sec? I will tell you but I'd rather focus for a minute on how we you and l handle this."

"You're not keeping me out of this Deeks, I'm your partner, it's you and me versus world"

"I know, I'm not trying to. I want and need your help and support just as you needed mine with Claremont … But Kens I am going to protect you and us always, just as you protected me back then."

"That goes both ways, but you'd better plan on involving me more that I let you be involved in my dads case. We are stronger and closer now."

"I know Kens but that just means there is more to protect and greater risk but we'll work it out together"

"You and me, twosome, partners ….. stronger together and don't you forget it."

They lie together each letting their heightened emotions drain away, knowing there is more to come in this conversation and that they both need to be in the right headspace to do it and each other justice.

"She threatened to interview you." it comes out in a rush, startling her a little in the silence.

"Well let her. I'll deny I know anything; there is nothing she can prove. I'm good at undercover, I tell lies and half truths for a living."

"That's not the point Kens. I can't and won't put you in that situation. You told me recently that this job was more to you than a job it was who you are... I get that helping people, saving people is important to you. It is to me too. But there is no outcome where you come out unscathed career-wise. You lie, she doesn't even have to prove it, she just sets out her reasons and that will be a black mark in your NCIS file, might be even enough to get you chucked off the team now Hetty and Granger are out of the picture. You refuse to comment - same result. You tell the truth, I go to jail"

Kensi was silent for a moment before popping up onto his chest to face him, her mismatch eyes shining brightly. "Then let's just get married tomorrow, she can't make me testify against my husband."

Deeks looks deep into her eyes for a beat before tenderly bringing his lips to touch hers. "God I love you Kens" he says as he pulls away "But that doesn't change our situation or any of those outcomes. I want to marry you, I intend to marry you, I will marry you but I don't want that kind of reasoning to have anything to do with us getting married."

"Deeks you don't have to protect me"

"Yes I do" he says vehemently "it's my job, it's my right. I protect you, I protect us. Partners at work, partners in life. Don't tell me it would be any different if our situations were reversed".

"O-Kay" she murmurs dragging out each syllable as she curls back into him. She knows he's right and she can't win the argument but she loves him as he loves her. It's an argument they have had countless times in the past and will undoubtedly have again in the future.

"I'm going to help Whiting, I don't have a choice and I'm going to have to trust that she won't keeping coming back for more, though I may have done a little counter threatening of my own." He briefly outlines what he'd told Whiting earlier before adding "I may have also recorded our discussion and her thinly veiled threat...I blame Velma's influence."

He is relieved when just as he intended she gives a little giggle and a quick squeeze at his antics.

They settle in a comfortable silence, listening to the familiar sounds of their surrounding. Kensi calmed by the regular thump of Deeks heartbeat.

Again it's Kensi who breaks their silent reverie, keen to ensure that they explore every option to keep Deeks safe and with her. "We should take it to the team and see what we can work out"

His response is quick but not entirely unexpected. "I don't want to".

"Why?"

"Well let's see first of all its LAPD business and they have no jurisdiction."

"But it's you and you are part of the team they'll want to help"

He considers her point carefully and then deliberately moves straight to his second point. The reasons for his reticence to involve the wider team will be on the table soon enough. As he carries he makes no attempt to mask the anxiety and fear he feels.

"I'd have to tell them the truth and I don't want to, I don't want Eric and Nell looking at me differently and whilst I think that Callen and Sam suspect the truth, that's different to me confirming yet another screw up from my past. And Hetty..." He falters before coming to a grinding halt

"What about Hetty?" Kensi probes. She thinks back to their most recent conversation (one of many) on this topic, when he told her that Hetty knew he was guilty. His feelings about their diminutive leader remained deep and conflicted.

He keeps quiet so she gently prods again "I though you said you'd moved past what she did with Sidorov, Afghanistan and Jack?" She steers clear of the word forgive as she doesn't believe that Deeks has moved that far past it.

"I have. I get the operational rationale I didn't like it, I still don't like it but I get it. It's the way she's gone about it all. When Jack was back last year she could have taken 2 minutes to give you a heads up on who you were assigned to protect, the whole Angelo situation she just played with us deliberately like a cat playing with a canary, not to mention when you were re-assigned she could have reassured me that it had nothing to do with our relationship when I asked her directly she didn't need to say anything else, she could have let us say goodbye...it wouldn't even have cost her an hour…." his voice falters and he stops mid flow, he'd made his point.

"But she also stuck out her neck for you as you've said yourself; orchestrating John Quinn's fake escape and confession which got Whiting off your back"

"That's true, she did ….. but then more recently she threw me back under the bus by giving Whiting the info on my financial support for Tiffany which has given the IA investigation new legs because it suited her. "

This time Kensi remains silent unable to counter Deeks point mostly because she wholeheartedly agrees and is still seething angry about it. She doesn't want this to become about her and her feelings so best to keep her counsel.

"More importantly in getting me out of the picture she left you alone and unprotected. Kick ass you may be but you were still getting yourself back after the accident" his still raw emotions on this topic making his voice hitch, then get louder and faster as he continues "and I almost lost you as a result."

"But you didn't."

"I didn't" he agrees stroking her hair as if to reassure himself of the truth of that statement. "I owe Hetty a lot but she's got a mixed history with decisions about protecting you and me. There's a wired double standard she operates when it comes to me and you Kens. She never puts Sam & Callen in these positions and Callen and Anna are clearly involved and she keeps pushing them together and doesn't seem to have an issue. "

"No ones infallible Deeks, perhaps she's learning from how she dealt with us?" Kensi suggests

"Perhaps but it still keeps happening... The bottom line is I don't trust Hetty to do what's best for us" he stressed the word us "and we've both agreed that that's most important to us after keeping each other safe"

"OK agreed no Hetty involvement in this case but what about Sam and Callen?" she presses

"My relationship with Sam relationship has gone from strength to strength since The Russian Amateur Dentistry incident but both he and Callen still apply different rules to me and us than to each other. God knows I absolutely understand Sam going rouge to get Khaled after he lost Michelle but was just the last in a long line of events where they have supported each other going lone wolf or when seemingly driven by emotions with no censorship but when we were looking for you in Afghanistan I was a problem to be babysat and later with Ferris I was repeatedly told I shouldn't be leading this I was too close. I'm not sure that I can fully trust them to follow my lead and have my back when it's personal for me."

"It's personal for me too Deeks, if it's about you, it's about us and that's the most important thing in the world to me."

"So who's Whiting's target then?" she asks changing tack

"Do you think we could leave that pin in place for a little while longer? I'm not trying to avoid it. I just want to find out a little bit more, do a bit more thinking before I share"

"You'd better buster - twosome, couple, partners in everything" she feels compelled to repeat her earlier assertion whilst gesturing between the two of their bodies.

"I wouldn't have it any other way Kens. I just want to spend a bit of quality time with my gorgeous fiancée. I've missed you"

"I've been right here"

"I know"

She's desperate to understand more about the case Whiting is forcing him to work but knows he needs the break. It's still new to her this prioritisation of what he needs or what they need over what she wants but it's getting more natural and it surprises her how much she wants to get better at it, to be better for him.

"So any thoughts on where we should go on our honeymoon?"

"Mmmm….. About Hawaii & Australia, whilst I'd love to go sometime, as I don't plan on doing much surfing, much of anything that requires me to be more than an inch from you for the duration, I'm feeing those options might be a bit of a waste." he pauses "How about romantic Romania?"

"Romania?" she asks a bit taken aback but immediately getting the reference

"You know I think I was already a little bit in love with you back then, I just didn't recognise the feeling."

"As long as we're together Marty, I don't care where we go" she says breathily as she snuggles in still further to his body "Romantic Romania could work, just one thing... no blood feuds and maybe we should leave Sam and Callen at home this time?"

"Agreed and super double agreed." He whispers into her hair "now about that quality time..." He says huskily as he tugs her up his body till they are face to face and crashing his lips into hers.

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	3. Chapter 3 - A Button comes Undone

**AN: Thanks to everyone who has read, reviewed, and favorite. A special thanks to my reviewers whose kind words and appreciation spurred me on this week.**

 **Might be a fortnight till next update as I'm away and I'm not sure how much time I'll get to write**

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 **Chapter 3 – A Button comes Undone**

 **Some not so random bar, downtown LA**

 **Friday 15th September 2017**

He's been aware of the gaze on his back for the last 10 minutes or so. He's steadfastly kept his eyes forward nursing his bottle of Blue Moon, whilst equally as steadfastly ignoring the whisky chaser keeping it company on the tabletop.

He'd been taking a few days to do some research and recon on 'Project Witch' as he'd taken to referring to his off the books op for Whiting. He'd had a difficult conversation with Kensi when he'd told her what he planned; not that he had expected any different given she'd not yet been fully read in. He'd pled his case, explaining that what he was intending was low risk fact finding; re-iterating his promise to both stay safe and his commitment to share more info with her soon. The latter he intends to put right this weekend.

He takes his phone out of his pocket and fires off a quick text

Meet Idle Hour trailhead off Mount Wilson Toll Rd. Tomorrow 0700. My green rucksack is packed and already in the truck along with the bike ramp and tarp. Mrs W expecting Monty for weekend. We can talk where the walls don't have ears. X

The 'text sent' alert pings and he feels the air shift behind him as the watcher makes their way to the area immediately behind his booth. The fact that he can't see any hint of his observer in the mirror which is providing part of his 360 view of comings and goings in the bar combined with the faint scent of exotic tea confirms his suspicion about his visitors identity. He doesn't bother to turn round as he greets them.

"Are you planning on watching me drink all evening or joining me Hetty?"

"I didn't want to intrude Mr Deeks."

"Hetty if you really meant that, you wouldn't be here...just...just take a seat."

She noiselessly does so, on the opposite side of the booth. She simply sits without speaking, her hands outstretched on the table in front of her, her face impassive as if taking one of the many inventories that she had taken of him over the years - remaining silent on whether she had found him wanting.

To be honest it's a little old and he's a tiny bit sick of it and after the day - no week - he's had, his ability to hide his annoyance is at an historic low. No scratch that he thinks to himself I actually could do it but I don't think I want to.

"We've been here before Mr Deeks"

"Twice if memory serves, but only once by invitation."

"Quite, but nevertheless the outcome was mutually beneficial on both occasions."

He tips his bottle towards her in acknowledgement of her point before taking a swig. "Can I get you something?"

"I've already ordered, Bill will bring it across shortly" she briefly pauses before asking "Did I notice your motor bike outside Mr Deeks?"

"That you did" he bites down in annoyance at his slight cringe at having been found out. 'He's a grown man, he's about to get married, he gets paid to carry a gun for Pete's sake. It's his bike! Grow a pair Marty' his internal voice chides him.

"Mmm I hadn't realised I had returned it to you"

"You didn't"

"Ah"

He's getting better at not falling into her traps he thinks but it still takes a considerable force of will not to blab out a full confession and beg forgiveness. He's kind of glad that he's been using one of his more reticent alias' for the last few days - that definitely helped.

Bill arrives and deposits a tray with a beautiful tea service in front of Hetty. The steam rises in a thin tendril from the spout of the teapot. Deeks is little surprised as its not really what he expected from either this bar or Bill. He's not a regular here but he's been here often enough to know that it's not the norm. He channels his alias, no space for curiosity or chit-chat.

"Why are you here Hetty?"

"I'm here to see you Mr Deeks"

He bites back his snarky reply and instead decides to be more specific "What do you want to see me about and why?"

"I wanted to see if you needed my help"

Deciding to play dense with the second woman this month supposedly seeking to offer him help, he asks "Anything in particular you think I need help with?"

"Mr Deeks, you are being unnaturally coy. I mean with the IA investigation of course."

"No thank you Hetty" he says with deliberate formality. "Might I ask why you are only offering this help now? You shared the information with IA about my financial support for Tiffany some months ago." His years as a lawyer along with a lifetime spent trying to fit in – first with the neighbourhood kids, then college kids, law school and finally at the PD both under and out of cover mean that he effortlessly apes her more formal vocal delivery.

Hetty pauses a beat before answering. He's not sure whether she's working out how to answer or inwardly sighing and chastising him. When she opens her mouth it's clear she has chosen a third option, the moral - well in her eyes anyhow - high ground.

"Mr Deeks, I took the actions I did for sound operational reasons..."

He holds up his hand to halt her words "Hetty, I'm not interested in your rationales and arguments, the time for them is long past. What's done is done. Your statement demonstrates that you simply don't understand what you've done. It's not about the what and why, it's about the how."

"The how Mr Deeks?"

Hetty seems genuinely perplexed as if she'd been asked to solve a differential equation after a bottle of Tequila whilst riding a mechanical bull. 'She probably has done that' he thinks 'and won the bar fight that legend says always follows 2 out of those 3 things'

He pauses and takes a deep calming breath. He doesn't want to say something he'll regret. She's a woman who has given him so much that was missing from his life and she's his boss for goodness sake (was my boss? he thinks. Wow that's gonna take some getting used to).

But now he has everything he ever wanted and is working towards even more than he ever thought he could have or dared dream of; She's also the one that has put that most at risk and even worse needlessly at risk. The decisions she continuously made about them seemed to be designed to deliberately damage their relationship or put them under pressure in a way that didn't improve the mission outcome, in fact had often put it at risk; Afghanistan being a prime example.

In any case letting it all out now probably won't achieve anything he thinks but make him feel temporarily better before he gets the sack and then has to go home to his soon-to-be-wife to explain why she's partner-less and that is a distinctly unappealing prospect.

Observing Hetty now, waiting for him to speak, he has a startling moment of pinpoint clarity. The conversation that were about to have and for months he'd been avoiding having whilst simultaneously believing it to be a necessity, is pointless. Hetty simply doesn't get it; it's outside of her life experience. After all she appears to have no family except for 'adopted orphans' or 'trainee agents' as they might better be labeled and nothing closer to an enduring relationship or real marriage than the sham of undercover. He doubts she even recognizes the difference between necessary and needless manipulation. She simply manipulates because she always has and she can.

He reflects on the irony that without her, that may have been his fate too. An army of one, manipulating everyone undercover to get the job done - the ends always justifying the means. That bleeding through to the little personal life you have because the behaviour becomes natural, ingrained and even if he'd remained self-aware enough to realise it, it'd probably be too hard to change, too easy to justify that the manipulation was needed to protect himself, his covers, his good work. At least now he can honestly be himself with one person on this planet. That was Hetty's greatest gift to him.

And just like that the remainder of his anger and bitterness leaves him and he feels a new level of peace & contentment. Finally he breaks the silence.

"I owe you a lot Hetty: my life - Lazik would have killed me if you hadn't got me out; my happiness and career - you gave me a job, a work family and Kensi as a partner. Those are debts I can't repay. I will always be grateful to you but I can't forget what you've repeatedly done to me and Kensi. I've accepted it, I've even forgiven it but I won't forget it and I won't allow me, her or us to be in that situation again."

He pauses and glances across at her. He's surprised to see a fleeting expression of hurt cross her features as his last words come out before she carefully schools her face back to its normally impassive blank. He feels like a bit of a heel but doesn't really regret his honesty.

He lets out another a breath and allows his voice to regain its normal gentler timbre. "Why now?" he asks.

"I shared at the team meal last week that I've decided it's time to move on and I'm planning on an fairly protracted overseas trip. Before I go I wanted to make sure my people, my family, are OK."

"I'm OK Hetty. I have Kensi. We're getting married. I have everything I ever wanted. I don't need anything else."

"I am very happy for you both. Is there anything that you will allow me to do for you Mr Deeks?"

He thinks for a moment before nodding his head. "There are a couple of things Hetty."

"Yes Mr Deeks?"

"Firstly I'd like you to do everything you can to protect Kensi and her career from any fallout from my IA investigation."

"Agreed and I hope you know that you didn't need to ask that. I look after my people and Ms Blye is very dear to me... And the second thing?"

His next words dash her hopes of a true full reconciliation. "If you get the urge to meddle in my case, don't."

HHHHHHHHHHH

20 minutes later, Hetty has finished her tea and is preparing to leave. The talk has been small and incidental, pleasant and polite.

"Take care, Mr Deeks"

"Be safe Hetty, oh and Hetty ... don't be a stranger. We're expecting you at the wedding". They might have their differences but they are family after all.

"I wouldn't miss it for the world Mr Deeks." She smiles a warm twinkly smile before turning on her heel and leaving.

His phone buzzes in his pocket; his soon-to-be-wife confirming their meet. He feels a little jolt of excitement as he thinks about seeing her tomorrow. It's been too long.

He thinks ahead to what he still has to do before he meets Kensi as planned. At least the ride up into the forest will help clear his head. 'Time to work' he thinks, as he reluctantly downs the rest of his beer before getting up to leave. The whisky left untouched on the table along with a fresh $20 for Bill.

HHHHHHHHHHHHHH


End file.
